Dog Channel / Yips and Yaps / Now That’s Funny!

Can Dogs Be in Love?

Peter Gerstenzang — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 09:21:45 GMT

There are scores of dog mysteries in this world that I find myself obsessing over. For instance, are some dogs embarrassed when you put a sweater on them? Would they rather wear something snappier, like, say, a leisure suit? The biggest question of all, though? Can a dog be in love? Lately, Hap’s been dragging me around the corner – daily – to see his girlfriend, Callie.

The two dogs stand on hind legs and swat each other like welterweights. But Hap and his Lab gal, also kiss – tenderly. Happy puts his arm around Callie. Sometimes, they lie on the lawn and snuggle like an old married couple. Have any of you witnessed such PDAs with your dogs? Am I a hopeless romantic? Or just hopeless? Share, please!

Dogs Smile Just Like You Do

Peter Gerstenzang — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 13:07:36 GMT

Most experts agree that if a dog is smiling, it’s for the same reason most people are smiling. No, not because George W. Bush is leaving office. Good guess, though. It’s because they’re feeling good, which doesn’t contradict your original answer. But listen, I think my dog, Happy, has different kinds of smiles for different things.

There’s his typical, The-world-is-my-Milk-Bone grin. Then there’s his sly smile. Translation: “I just hid your slipper. Good luck finding that sucker.” When he canoodles with his Lab girlfriend, Callie, afterwards, Happy smirks. Meaning: “I’ve got a girl. What’s wrong with you, Poindexter?” Finally, there’s his Zen smile: “Yep, I’m one with the universe.”

So, what about you? Let me know about your dog’s smiles. Be as kooky as you wanna be!

The Downward Dog

Peter Gerstenzang — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 09:18:45 GMT

Sometimes I think Happy was a man in his past life. Even if I’m not sure I was. And if he was, I think Hap was a yoga instructor.

He comes out of his crate in the morning, then sits, closes his eyes and smiles beatifically. Like he’s dreaming of steak smothered in … steak. He stretches the right paw exactly 10 times. Follows with the left. Next, he gets on his side and starts to do this weird stretching on the carpet.

After stretching, he sits again. He scratches his face exactly 20 times. Right paw 10. Left paw 10. He then rolls over and does what yoga practitioners call “The Downward Dog.” I’m not sure what dogs call it.

Is this yoga? And, do any of your dogs do this weird stuff? Let me know, so I won’t feel so lonely.

Shake Your Head If You Hear Me

Peter Gerstenzang — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 09:25:20 GMT

I know that experts say dogs communicate with their barks, eyes and tails. Sometimes, really smart ones even use signal flags! But Happy has added one more form of dog-talk. He shakes his head. Now, at first, I thought this was because he had an ear infection. But after a check-up revealed nothing, I realized his head-shakes each meant something different.

There’s the early-morning shake. That one means, “Gotta wake up here!” When I don’t serve Happy breakfast right away, the head-shake means, “Hey, make with the Beneful, Jim!” He will also make this movement if I try a substitute dog food. That one means, “No, I’m not gonna eat Larry’s Discount Chow!” If he hears a dog in the distance, that one gets two distinct shakes. And yes, if I put on Metallica, Happy bangs his head to the beat.

Does your dog do this, too? Or, are my discount meds not working? Let me know, dear readers.

Using the Clicker

Peter Gerstenzang — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 11:50:58 GMT

Not long ago, I was watching TV with Happy when he put his paw on the clicker and changed the channel. At first, I think he liked the novelty of it; like when he realized he could lick his own behind. Now I think he’s using the clicker because he has strong feelings about certain programs.

For instance, Happy hates reality shows. So, if when channel surfing, we come across someone staring into the camera and sobbing, he steps on the clicker immediately!

On the other hand, he loves “Beverly Hills 90210.” He doesn’t seem to know the difference between the original series and the new one. However, he whines horribly whenever he sees Shannen Doherty — which is a fairly common reaction, when you think about it.

Do dogs understand TV in this day and age? Do humans? Feel free to answer. In any order you wish.

Do They Know It's Christmas?

Peter Gerstenzang — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 10:11:17 GMT

Do dogs have an innate understanding of Christmas? This will be Happy’s third. I swear he knows what’s up. Literally. When I open a closet he really contorts himself trying to see what’s on the top shelf. Any more craning and his gift will have to be a neck brace. Hap also stares at elves on TV with the same intensity I reserve for Kim Basinger.

Did I get my facts wrong about Goldens’ origins? Are they from the North Pole? Do your dogs know it’s nearly Christmas? And for Jewish dogs, Hanukkah? Let me know.

Stop, Thief!

Peter Gerstenzang — Tue, 12 May 2009 11:23:57 GMT

Things have been missing from the house. A spatula, a fondue fork, a copy of The New Yorker. Has a gourmet thief, with a literary bent been ransacking the house? Nope, I found all this stuff in Happy’s hiding place. I’ve tried yelling, “Stop, thief!” Happy ignores me.

It started slowly. Hap would grab a potholder right in front of me and take off. But he wanted me to see and to chase him. However, after so many pursuits up and down the stairs, I was becoming a candidate for hip replacement surgery. So, now, Happy does his theft in private. I go away, come into the kitchen and have to play the game “What’s Wrong With This Picture?”

So, gang, do you have any furry sneak thieves living with you? It’s actually kind of fun, isn’t it? At least I know that Happy isn’t God. He taketh away, but doesn’t always giveth back.

Presents, Accounted For

Peter Gerstenzang — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:45:33 GMT

Do dogs understand the concept of presents? Every day, when Happy approaches his girlfriend Callie’s house, he rustles through a pile of sticks. Like a fussy guy trying on slacks, he rejects one for being too long, one for being too scratchy, another for not being stylish.

Then he grabs the perfect stick and presents it to Callie. She takes it – and runs off without a word of thanks. Is Happy really giving her a gift? Can I write the whole thing off on my taxes? Does your dog give gifts? Let me know.

"Going" in Winter

Peter Gerstenzang — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 12:57:31 GMT

Although I feel certain we had one exactly a year ago, Happy’s acting like he’s never seen winter before. I take him out and he goes, but once he’s out he won’t go. That sounds like a Zen riddle, but it isn’t. If the temp drops below 30, he holds it in so long that I feel like I’m always on the verge of performing the first amateur catheterization. And if it’s snowing, forget about it. Hap certainly does. He’s so busy jumping up to catch snowflakes, making me jump, too, that it looks like a community theatre version of “Swan Lake.”

So, dear friends, any of you having the same troubles? Does the cold and snow turn your “regular” dog into one who holds it in until the first hints of spring? Little help here!

Shave and a Haircut

Peter Gerstenzang — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 10:28:37 GMT

In these difficult recessionary days, I’ve been shopping for bargains in every area. I’ve bought generic drugs, generic foods and generic remedies to counteract the generic drugs and foods. I’ve also been cutting corners with Happy: literally. Instead of taking him to the groomer, I bought some electric clippers and have been shaving him myself.

The first time went pretty well, meaning no bloody nicks or cuts. But Hap looks like a bratwurst that has been left out in the sun. Slick and shiny and appetizing, but not too much like a dog. Is there any way I can improve my technique? Any suggestions would be welcome!

Hair Today – and Tomorrow!

Peter Gerstenzang — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 15:27:43 GMT

I think Happy was an interior decorator in a past life, but a deeply twisted one. My proof? After I vacuum his room, he pulls off exactly five chunks of hair and, like he’s been watching HGTV, details the floor.

The first time I saw this, I was totally creeped out. It was like a horror film, where a kid foretells The End Of Days, by spelling things out with common household objects. Now, I think it’s something more mundane. Like Happy hates a clean floor and is trying to personalize it – after I vacuum. Do any of your dogs do anything this weird when you clean? Let me hear from you, people!